Just another Manic Monday

I would like to say that I am in the most fowl mood today. Having a cold and not being able to walk right can drive one mad. I have no clue how much I weigh, and I can honestly say, I don't care either. Is that normal? Since joining the gym, I have found this new confidence that I didn't know I had. Lifting weights and doing cardio on elypticals and bicycle machines has really helped me. Truly, I hope joining the gym can help me overcome this self-induced hell I've put myself in. Something that I have noticed is that I am eating more; not in large quantities but small portions and I don't feel like shit afterwards. I have been drinking whey protein shakes to help with my muscle restoration. However long these feelings of confidence and happiness last, I can honestly say that I will cherish each and every moment. My ED may come back with full force as it always done in the past, but I'm happy right now.

A new day

And today is going to be sucky. Why? 1) I broke my toe and it hurts like hell. 2) I got a cold on top of it. Total lamesauce if you ask me.

I will be going back to California this week on Wednesday. My sister and my nephew are moving to Oklahoma while her husband stays in the barracks until he gets out in July. Dumb plan if you ask me. I'm going back to California with a hopeful heart that me and my grandfather can talk some sense into her. She doesn't need to move to Oklahoma 7 months before her husband gets out of the Navy; she can always stay with grandpa. The reason why they decided to come up with this grand plan is because they have a dog that is against the rules to have in their housing. Why they don't give the dog to some friends or get rid of it, is beyond me. My sister is going to go to Oklahoma with her baby, living with her in laws, people of whom she doesn't know from Adam, really. Is it just me or do you see a disaster waiting to happen? Maybe I'm just being a little pessimistic, but she is my twin and I just want her to be happy. 

So sorry

I haven't posted in a while and for that I apologize. I have been out of sorts lately, and I haven't had the time to write. So much has happened since I last wrote. My life took a turn and I think I may have lost a little bit more of myself.

On Thanksgiving I got word that my grandfather had a heart attack and was not doing well. I had no idea what was going on because I could not get a hold of anyone. What did I do? I packed my shit and took that 12 hour drive to California. Goodness, if only my story got better from here. I ended up getting lost way out in Compton L.A. and met the most nicest guy that was probably in a gang. He helped me out so much and even gave me a free Redbull (he worked for Walgreens). After he gave me directions, I finally stopped for the night by Six Flaggs in Valencia. Things were good. I got to my sister's house, and OMG her husband is a fucking prick. I felt that I was not welcomed by him at all. My sister was in the Navy, got pregnant by him, got out, and now is married to this douche bag. He doesn't want to stay in the Navy once his contract is up in July, but wants to go back home to Oklahoma where he will have no further direction for his or his family's life. The most awkward thing about being at my sister's house was being in the same room, and almost same fight with them. I don't mean a little yelling, I mean screaming at each other. Awkward.

Meanwhile, on the way out to California, my car was making a horrible noise and both mirrors got broken. I figured that once I got to my grandfather's house I can just take it in to the mechanic. Ha! If only it was that easy. My car ended up staying in the shop for 6 days! I got the thing that was making that awful sound fixed, but ended up having to take my car back before the mirrors arrived. Are my mirrors fixed, you ask? No. It's currently in my garage with two fucked up mirrors and tape around the driver's side mirror just to hold it up. Yeah. Fml.

During those six days that I was stranded. I found that my grandfather was doing well. He didn't have a massive heart attack that my sister portrayed, but was retaining too much fluid and caused his defibrillator to go off; therefore, landing him in the hospital for a few days. That week I also learned that I lost a friend. I am not over it, nor will I go into detail about it. It has me questioning my own destiny and I keep asking myself, "What if"?

Now comes the best part of my trip. I got a tattoo! I met with a dear friend in Huntington Beach, and we both got tat's together. I can not wait to go back and have that much fun again.

Now as far as my weight. Somehow after eating all the takeout, regular sodas, and drinking, I did not gain any weight. I'm at 121. I joined the gym when I got back, so hopefully that will help with getting me to loose a little faster.

Kind of happy

So this morning, out of pure curiosity, I checked my weight. 121.2. HELL YES! It's been a long time since I've seen that number, I've been stuck on 125, or 123, for goodness knows how long. I feel like I'm finally able to reach my goal weight of 120 lbs. by Friday, and then I can (finally) reset it for 115.

Also, in other news, I got a letter in the mail saying that I had $2,000.00 in an old account from my last job. I completely forgot about it, and it came at the right time. My last job had an option for what's called a 'Penny Saver' and had them deduct a certain amount of money from my paycheck every month. I can either pull the money out of the account, or keep it and let it grow. Honestly, I wish I could let it be, but I am really hurting for money right now. College is getting really pricey, and I'm still having problems with my school's financial aide (long story). Looking for employment is destroying any hope of getting hired anywhere. Though I'm still looking, it seems like no one is hiring right now, even in the field in which I went, and still going, to school for.

Anyway, that's all I have for right now. I hope the next time I write, I'll be below my goal weight of 120 :)

Today is a little better

So I haven't checked my weight for a week, and I finally had the courage to do so today; my weight is 122.4. It's utterly gross, but it's better than feeling like I haven't lost any weight at all. I have been mostly eating rice cakes and sugar free jello while drinking green tea. Jogging 2 miles a day has helped too I'm sure. I just really need to get to my next goal weight of 120. I've only been trying to do so for the past 2 months :/ Epic Fail.

God!

Have you ever felt like such a fraud? Like, everything you do and say may or may not be the whole truth? I feel that way now. I don't really want to go into details about it, because it's too personal. I feel like everything around me is going to go away. I've never had anyone that hasn't left me at some point, so be them friends or family. A stable home was never something that I've had. I always fuck everything up. Always. My eating disorder as well as my mania plays a big role in that, I'm sure. I just want to be normal. I want to be happy. I want to be the confident person that doesn't care about what people think about them, or their weight bases their validity in the world. I want to be able to trust not only people, but myself. I want to love myself. My destructive behavior doesn't allow for any of those things, and I'm afraid that if I did get well I wouldn't have anything to cling to anymore. For example, when things go wrong, or when people are mad at me, or I fuck up somehow, I have my ED to go into. I have PrettyThin to go on and not feel alone with my feelings and struggles. My boyfriend doesn't understand the depth of my pain or my struggles. Not because he doesn't care, but because I don't want him to know. He doesn't deserve someone so fucked up in the head like I am. Pretending to always being happy is so exhausting. I want to be able to scream in front of him and not be afraid that he'll turn me down and tell me I'm being a baby. Don't me wrong, I do tell him how I feel, but not the whole truth. Fear of him rejecting, and putting my feelings to wayside is so strong that I can't let him or anyone in.

I hate myself so much sometimes.

Will the binging please stop?!

I haven't written in awhile because I have been very edgy lately. I've been binging, binging, binging. As of now, I don't know my current weight, but last I checked I was 125 and that was the day my period began, last Wednesday. The thing I hate most about my 'friend' is that it makes me crave all kinds of food. I can't seem to stop myself when I am binging. Thank God it's gone for now. Hopefully I can get back on track.

In other news, Thanksgiving is coming up. Apparently we're going to go to my boyfriends parents house. If I don't eat what they think is 'normal' (gobs and gobs of fucking food) his mother will make comments. They're like vultures constantly watching what I eat and how much I eat. I'm hoping against hope, that we somehow don't end up going. Besides, they live like 4 hours away, and they want us to drive out there only to turn around and drive back that day since he has to work. Fuck. That.

I've ruined my 'no binge November'

Sorry I haven't written for a couple of days. I'm so ashamed of myself. Yesterday was awful. Awful. I started the day doing well, I drank two cups of green tea and a cup of black tea, one rice cake, and one piece of toast with no butter. By 3:00 PM my face is in the candy bag from Halloween eating and stuffing my mouth with as much chocolate I can take at once. It happened so fast. One minute I was thinking that I'll just take one bite and throw the rest away. I knew better. One bite turned into 10 (or more, I didn't count) pieces of candy. What did I do? I put on my running outfit and did aerobics for 30 minutes. I couldn't do it longer because my boyfriend was home and kept coming in the spare bedroom asking me what I was doing. THEN we went out to dinner. Where did we go? To a buffalo wing place. Yeah. I had seven wings. SEVEN! WTF?! Once I got home I popped in some magic pills to get rid of all that food out of my system. So now here I sit feeling the pains and rumbles in my stomach. I haven't lost that much. Maybe just a pound. I'm such a failure.

So...

Well, happy Halloween everyone. I really screwed myself over today. I can't tell you how much candy I consumed nor the calories. I lost count at breakfast today. I haven't weighed myself since Friday, and I'm so scared to. I did 45 minutes of cardio and yet I still feel like a fat disgusting pig.

My exciting weekend turned out to be not that exciting at all. I think I spent more time doing my hair and makeup then the amount of time we were actually at the Ball. I stayed away from the alcohol and didn't eat all the much. When the cake was passed around I took enough bites to make it look like I was enjoying and eating it. What bothers me is, the first two Balls that I went to were so much fun. Nobody here was really into it. The ceremony was short and the celebration was even shorter. We got there at 5:30 pm and left by 9:30. Such a major disappointment. The only thing this Ball did was make me miss the previous ones that I attended with my boyfriend. He didn't wear his dress blues (he just got out and didn't have to) so the spirit of it wasn't really there anyway. We didn't take any pictures because it was just a big lame disaster. I think the entertainment that I got out of it were some of the girls' dresses. They were RIDICULOUS. One would think that for a very formal event, girls would at least tuck their ta ta's away for just a few hours (the woman I was sitting next too, her tits kept falling out of her dress because it was cut so low, and she was very... well endowed.. it was very awkward especially when she kept touching her date's genitals not even a foot away from me!!!) Some other girls were wearing such slutty dresses that were two sizes too small and probably two inches above their lady parts. They danced awful and one girl, wasn't even wearing underwear. I think by this point we decided that we weren't going to stay (by the time we did leave, there were probably four people there anyway). All I can say is, I did a fantastic job on my makeup and hair, since the previous Marine Ball's that I've gone to, I've always had it done professionally.

Now that November starts tomorrow, I can start new, right? I hope I can get down to at least 115 by Thanksgiving. I keep you all updated. I'll write again tomorrow sometime.

Ciao!

Where is the cold weather?

Today was a good day because I lost another pound. 123.0. At this rate, I'll be at my goal weight of 100 pounds in no time. I also decided that because I hate jogging in public I am going to do aerobics for 30-45 minutes a day and/or jump rope. It's definitely intense and I get a great workout from it. Today I burned about 187 cals while only eating 320. My caloric is a little higher today, but that's okay I guess; as long as I can keep it under 400 calories.

So I finished my letter to my school for my FAFSA, as well as getting the other three letters turned in. It really is a relief to have it all done, yet stressful because I have to wait some more. I hope I hear from them soon.

I talked to my grandpa today. He didn't even know who I was when he answered the phone. He claimed that my voice was off and didn't recognize me. Yeah, I've been having an itchy throat, but nothing that would change my voice. I'm really starting to worry over him because of his Alzheimer's. Hopefully, I can make out to see him in the next few weeks. It just sucks because every time I tell my boyfriend that I will be going to California to see my grandfather, my boyfriend keeps telling me to put it off and he'll put in for leave from work. The thing is, he's been saying that since May. I promised grandpa that even if my boyfriend can't make it, I'm still coming out to see him. He's my grandfather and I have been putting him off for a year now. I also want to meet my new little nephew. My sister's husband is stationed out in California and they will be moving to Oklahoma in 7 months. I didn't go to see him after he was born in March and I feel like shit for that.  I'd really hate myself if I didn't make it out there for the holidays. I'm going to have to tell my boyfriend that there is no negotiating. He gets to see his family all the time and I haven't seen mine for a year. I hope he puts the effort into understanding.

Anyway, I hope you all have great night, or day wherever you're from. I'll write soon. ttyl!

Today is almost over....almost.

So today I ate 210 calories. I was worried that the tuna I had at 2pm was really going to mess things up, but after tallying it all, I feel relieved. I dropped a pound, being 124 is still gross to me (since just three weeks ago I was 120), but it's better than being stuck on the same damn number for days and days. I have found that I love, love, love rice cakes. 0 fat and 30 calories is suburb! I've heard of people eating rice cakes, but I've never had them before until recently and they taste good.

So I've been having a very itchy throat, somewhat stuffy nose, and an earache. I've noticed the itchy throat a few days ago, but now my ear is bothering me. I'm hoping it's not turning into a sinus infection due to my allergies. I really don't want to be sick over this weekend; being sick = blotchy skin and watery eyes, therefore, ruining my makeup and any pictures that may be taken.

Anyway, that's all I have for tonight. I'm going to go for a jog and then call it a night. I'll see ya tomorrow.

Well.. Another night.

I'm in a sour mood tonight. I'm having problems from my school about my financial aide. They want proof, again, that my mother is deceased, my stepfather left me and my siblings out to dry after she passed (he was a POS anyway, I really didn't miss him) and proof that I was a ward of the court. I understand why they need it, but I couldn't help but cry my eyes out because of this. It's like it opens up old wounds all over again. I told them that I didn't have any papers from the court stating such, so they said I need three people to write them a letter saying that I have been supporting myself all this time, and a detailed letter from me about everything (i.e. my mother died and I don't have a father since I'm illegitimate, and my step dad abandoned me). The fucked up part is that I don't want to deal with it. How am I going to pay for school?

My boyfriend offered that he would pay, but I already feel like a loser enough as it is, I really don't want, yet again, another hand out. He works so hard already and yeah, he makes great money and wants to help me, but I feel it strips me of my independence. So, here I am, thinking about all the things I'm going to put in my letter. That part of my life is like a wound that hasn't healed, it's oozing and inflamed, so I use my ED as a way of coping. I know I'll have to face those demons, (along with many other's) but I don't want to.

Another reason for my awful feelings tonight is that I haven't lost anything in over a week. I just want to loose weight. It's really getting to me lately because it just makes me feel like that is another thing that I am failing at. This weekend is the Marine Ball (it's really weird that it's so early this year) and I am not really looking forward to it. There will be alcohol everywhere. I have come to the realization that I am an alcoholic. It scares the shit out of me. I am so afraid that I will take a drink, and loose control. I don't have a sponsor, and my boyfriend doesn't know that I quit. I think he suspects that I have had major problems with alcohol, and I'm afraid to tell him. When I drink bad things happen. I'll become very depressed and do things that I regret immeasurably. I'm asking God for help and courage for this coming Saturday.

So that's all that I have tonight. I'll write again later.

First blog: a beginning of ramblings

So as my first blog, I shall introduce you to me. I would also like to state that I am going to keep my blog painfully honest, no matter what. So where shall I begin? Ahhh, yes of course, my name. I've already started my blog so I can't begin in a candid manner, "Hello my name is..." it's a little late for that. The name is Nancy (if you haven't already figured that out). I chose my display name as 'chaotic_beauty" because I can be, at times, chaotic, and is told all the time of how beautiful I am, (whether I choose to believe that is another matter). But this blog isn't going to explain and shine my insecurities into the light, rather this is an introductory blog.

So, I shall start saying that I like to drink strong black coffee in the morning; I like to go on runs; I like to dance even if I'm horribly bad at it; I love exercising in any way possible; I've probably read more books than a small library in my short-lived life (I am the ripe age of 23) and I keep reading, as is my passion for learning; I can be upbeat. I do get moody at times, and lock myself away from the world until I feel I am ready to leave my hole of self pity and take on the world. This they call 'depressive episodes' rah, rah, rah. The way I see it, I've done it my whole life, it's who I am. It's not that I'm crazy, I'm just not like everyone else. I'm me. Some people dislike me (probably more people than I really realize), some people really like me (probably more than I realize). Making a statement after that last one, saying something along the lines, "and I really don't care" is so posse' and really isn't the truth. At least for me anyway. Making people happy and wanting them to like me is in my genetic make up, so when I hear that someone doesn't like me, or people make snide and hurtful comments I go inward and will take it very personally; however, when I hear that someone likes me, or rather, I know they like me, I am so happy and will do anything to keep them liking me.

At times I can be withdrawn from everything. Most people will think it's because I do not like them. This is not true. I am person that lives in the past. Further, I relive certain events that happened in my life that I really shouldn't be reliving, like a tired song on a radio that has been replayed over and over again.

I love animals; I love fishing, though I haven't done it since HS; I like helping people. Like I said, I'm not crazy.

I guess this is as far as I go for an introduction. As I write more blogs, you'll learn a few more things about me. I can not explain every little detail about myself in just one simple blog. I'm sure you'll find my life entertaining :)