Kind of happy

So this morning, out of pure curiosity, I checked my weight. 121.2. HELL YES! It's been a long time since I've seen that number, I've been stuck on 125, or 123, for goodness knows how long. I feel like I'm finally able to reach my goal weight of 120 lbs. by Friday, and then I can (finally) reset it for 115.

Also, in other news, I got a letter in the mail saying that I had $2,000.00 in an old account from my last job. I completely forgot about it, and it came at the right time. My last job had an option for what's called a 'Penny Saver' and had them deduct a certain amount of money from my paycheck every month. I can either pull the money out of the account, or keep it and let it grow. Honestly, I wish I could let it be, but I am really hurting for money right now. College is getting really pricey, and I'm still having problems with my school's financial aide (long story). Looking for employment is destroying any hope of getting hired anywhere. Though I'm still looking, it seems like no one is hiring right now, even in the field in which I went, and still going, to school for.

Anyway, that's all I have for right now. I hope the next time I write, I'll be below my goal weight of 120 :)

Today is a little better

So I haven't checked my weight for a week, and I finally had the courage to do so today; my weight is 122.4. It's utterly gross, but it's better than feeling like I haven't lost any weight at all. I have been mostly eating rice cakes and sugar free jello while drinking green tea. Jogging 2 miles a day has helped too I'm sure. I just really need to get to my next goal weight of 120. I've only been trying to do so for the past 2 months :/ Epic Fail.

God!

Have you ever felt like such a fraud? Like, everything you do and say may or may not be the whole truth? I feel that way now. I don't really want to go into details about it, because it's too personal. I feel like everything around me is going to go away. I've never had anyone that hasn't left me at some point, so be them friends or family. A stable home was never something that I've had. I always fuck everything up. Always. My eating disorder as well as my mania plays a big role in that, I'm sure. I just want to be normal. I want to be happy. I want to be the confident person that doesn't care about what people think about them, or their weight bases their validity in the world. I want to be able to trust not only people, but myself. I want to love myself. My destructive behavior doesn't allow for any of those things, and I'm afraid that if I did get well I wouldn't have anything to cling to anymore. For example, when things go wrong, or when people are mad at me, or I fuck up somehow, I have my ED to go into. I have PrettyThin to go on and not feel alone with my feelings and struggles. My boyfriend doesn't understand the depth of my pain or my struggles. Not because he doesn't care, but because I don't want him to know. He doesn't deserve someone so fucked up in the head like I am. Pretending to always being happy is so exhausting. I want to be able to scream in front of him and not be afraid that he'll turn me down and tell me I'm being a baby. Don't me wrong, I do tell him how I feel, but not the whole truth. Fear of him rejecting, and putting my feelings to wayside is so strong that I can't let him or anyone in.

I hate myself so much sometimes.

Will the binging please stop?!

I haven't written in awhile because I have been very edgy lately. I've been binging, binging, binging. As of now, I don't know my current weight, but last I checked I was 125 and that was the day my period began, last Wednesday. The thing I hate most about my 'friend' is that it makes me crave all kinds of food. I can't seem to stop myself when I am binging. Thank God it's gone for now. Hopefully I can get back on track.

In other news, Thanksgiving is coming up. Apparently we're going to go to my boyfriends parents house. If I don't eat what they think is 'normal' (gobs and gobs of fucking food) his mother will make comments. They're like vultures constantly watching what I eat and how much I eat. I'm hoping against hope, that we somehow don't end up going. Besides, they live like 4 hours away, and they want us to drive out there only to turn around and drive back that day since he has to work. Fuck. That.

I've ruined my 'no binge November'

Sorry I haven't written for a couple of days. I'm so ashamed of myself. Yesterday was awful. Awful. I started the day doing well, I drank two cups of green tea and a cup of black tea, one rice cake, and one piece of toast with no butter. By 3:00 PM my face is in the candy bag from Halloween eating and stuffing my mouth with as much chocolate I can take at once. It happened so fast. One minute I was thinking that I'll just take one bite and throw the rest away. I knew better. One bite turned into 10 (or more, I didn't count) pieces of candy. What did I do? I put on my running outfit and did aerobics for 30 minutes. I couldn't do it longer because my boyfriend was home and kept coming in the spare bedroom asking me what I was doing. THEN we went out to dinner. Where did we go? To a buffalo wing place. Yeah. I had seven wings. SEVEN! WTF?! Once I got home I popped in some magic pills to get rid of all that food out of my system. So now here I sit feeling the pains and rumbles in my stomach. I haven't lost that much. Maybe just a pound. I'm such a failure.