God!

Have you ever felt like such a fraud? Like, everything you do and say may or may not be the whole truth? I feel that way now. I don't really want to go into details about it, because it's too personal. I feel like everything around me is going to go away. I've never had anyone that hasn't left me at some point, so be them friends or family. A stable home was never something that I've had. I always fuck everything up. Always. My eating disorder as well as my mania plays a big role in that, I'm sure. I just want to be normal. I want to be happy. I want to be the confident person that doesn't care about what people think about them, or their weight bases their validity in the world. I want to be able to trust not only people, but myself. I want to love myself. My destructive behavior doesn't allow for any of those things, and I'm afraid that if I did get well I wouldn't have anything to cling to anymore. For example, when things go wrong, or when people are mad at me, or I fuck up somehow, I have my ED to go into. I have PrettyThin to go on and not feel alone with my feelings and struggles. My boyfriend doesn't understand the depth of my pain or my struggles. Not because he doesn't care, but because I don't want him to know. He doesn't deserve someone so fucked up in the head like I am. Pretending to always being happy is so exhausting. I want to be able to scream in front of him and not be afraid that he'll turn me down and tell me I'm being a baby. Don't me wrong, I do tell him how I feel, but not the whole truth. Fear of him rejecting, and putting my feelings to wayside is so strong that I can't let him or anyone in.

I hate myself so much sometimes.