Well.. Another night.

I'm in a sour mood tonight. I'm having problems from my school about my financial aide. They want proof, again, that my mother is deceased, my stepfather left me and my siblings out to dry after she passed (he was a POS anyway, I really didn't miss him) and proof that I was a ward of the court. I understand why they need it, but I couldn't help but cry my eyes out because of this. It's like it opens up old wounds all over again. I told them that I didn't have any papers from the court stating such, so they said I need three people to write them a letter saying that I have been supporting myself all this time, and a detailed letter from me about everything (i.e. my mother died and I don't have a father since I'm illegitimate, and my step dad abandoned me). The fucked up part is that I don't want to deal with it. How am I going to pay for school?

My boyfriend offered that he would pay, but I already feel like a loser enough as it is, I really don't want, yet again, another hand out. He works so hard already and yeah, he makes great money and wants to help me, but I feel it strips me of my independence. So, here I am, thinking about all the things I'm going to put in my letter. That part of my life is like a wound that hasn't healed, it's oozing and inflamed, so I use my ED as a way of coping. I know I'll have to face those demons, (along with many other's) but I don't want to.

Another reason for my awful feelings tonight is that I haven't lost anything in over a week. I just want to loose weight. It's really getting to me lately because it just makes me feel like that is another thing that I am failing at. This weekend is the Marine Ball (it's really weird that it's so early this year) and I am not really looking forward to it. There will be alcohol everywhere. I have come to the realization that I am an alcoholic. It scares the shit out of me. I am so afraid that I will take a drink, and loose control. I don't have a sponsor, and my boyfriend doesn't know that I quit. I think he suspects that I have had major problems with alcohol, and I'm afraid to tell him. When I drink bad things happen. I'll become very depressed and do things that I regret immeasurably. I'm asking God for help and courage for this coming Saturday.

So that's all that I have tonight. I'll write again later.