Kind of happy

So this morning, out of pure curiosity, I checked my weight. 121.2. HELL YES! It's been a long time since I've seen that number, I've been stuck on 125, or 123, for goodness knows how long. I feel like I'm finally able to reach my goal weight of 120 lbs. by Friday, and then I can (finally) reset it for 115.

Also, in other news, I got a letter in the mail saying that I had $2,000.00 in an old account from my last job. I completely forgot about it, and it came at the right time. My last job had an option for what's called a 'Penny Saver' and had them deduct a certain amount of money from my paycheck every month. I can either pull the money out of the account, or keep it and let it grow. Honestly, I wish I could let it be, but I am really hurting for money right now. College is getting really pricey, and I'm still having problems with my school's financial aide (long story). Looking for employment is destroying any hope of getting hired anywhere. Though I'm still looking, it seems like no one is hiring right now, even in the field in which I went, and still going, to school for.

Anyway, that's all I have for right now. I hope the next time I write, I'll be below my goal weight of 120 :)

Today is a little better

So I haven't checked my weight for a week, and I finally had the courage to do so today; my weight is 122.4. It's utterly gross, but it's better than feeling like I haven't lost any weight at all. I have been mostly eating rice cakes and sugar free jello while drinking green tea. Jogging 2 miles a day has helped too I'm sure. I just really need to get to my next goal weight of 120. I've only been trying to do so for the past 2 months :/ Epic Fail.

God!

Have you ever felt like such a fraud? Like, everything you do and say may or may not be the whole truth? I feel that way now. I don't really want to go into details about it, because it's too personal. I feel like everything around me is going to go away. I've never had anyone that hasn't left me at some point, so be them friends or family. A stable home was never something that I've had. I always fuck everything up. Always. My eating disorder as well as my mania plays a big role in that, I'm sure. I just want to be normal. I want to be happy. I want to be the confident person that doesn't care about what people think about them, or their weight bases their validity in the world. I want to be able to trust not only people, but myself. I want to love myself. My destructive behavior doesn't allow for any of those things, and I'm afraid that if I did get well I wouldn't have anything to cling to anymore. For example, when things go wrong, or when people are mad at me, or I fuck up somehow, I have my ED to go into. I have PrettyThin to go on and not feel alone with my feelings and struggles. My boyfriend doesn't understand the depth of my pain or my struggles. Not because he doesn't care, but because I don't want him to know. He doesn't deserve someone so fucked up in the head like I am. Pretending to always being happy is so exhausting. I want to be able to scream in front of him and not be afraid that he'll turn me down and tell me I'm being a baby. Don't me wrong, I do tell him how I feel, but not the whole truth. Fear of him rejecting, and putting my feelings to wayside is so strong that I can't let him or anyone in.

I hate myself so much sometimes.

Will the binging please stop?!

I haven't written in awhile because I have been very edgy lately. I've been binging, binging, binging. As of now, I don't know my current weight, but last I checked I was 125 and that was the day my period began, last Wednesday. The thing I hate most about my 'friend' is that it makes me crave all kinds of food. I can't seem to stop myself when I am binging. Thank God it's gone for now. Hopefully I can get back on track.

In other news, Thanksgiving is coming up. Apparently we're going to go to my boyfriends parents house. If I don't eat what they think is 'normal' (gobs and gobs of fucking food) his mother will make comments. They're like vultures constantly watching what I eat and how much I eat. I'm hoping against hope, that we somehow don't end up going. Besides, they live like 4 hours away, and they want us to drive out there only to turn around and drive back that day since he has to work. Fuck. That.

I've ruined my 'no binge November'

Sorry I haven't written for a couple of days. I'm so ashamed of myself. Yesterday was awful. Awful. I started the day doing well, I drank two cups of green tea and a cup of black tea, one rice cake, and one piece of toast with no butter. By 3:00 PM my face is in the candy bag from Halloween eating and stuffing my mouth with as much chocolate I can take at once. It happened so fast. One minute I was thinking that I'll just take one bite and throw the rest away. I knew better. One bite turned into 10 (or more, I didn't count) pieces of candy. What did I do? I put on my running outfit and did aerobics for 30 minutes. I couldn't do it longer because my boyfriend was home and kept coming in the spare bedroom asking me what I was doing. THEN we went out to dinner. Where did we go? To a buffalo wing place. Yeah. I had seven wings. SEVEN! WTF?! Once I got home I popped in some magic pills to get rid of all that food out of my system. So now here I sit feeling the pains and rumbles in my stomach. I haven't lost that much. Maybe just a pound. I'm such a failure.

So...

Well, happy Halloween everyone. I really screwed myself over today. I can't tell you how much candy I consumed nor the calories. I lost count at breakfast today. I haven't weighed myself since Friday, and I'm so scared to. I did 45 minutes of cardio and yet I still feel like a fat disgusting pig.

My exciting weekend turned out to be not that exciting at all. I think I spent more time doing my hair and makeup then the amount of time we were actually at the Ball. I stayed away from the alcohol and didn't eat all the much. When the cake was passed around I took enough bites to make it look like I was enjoying and eating it. What bothers me is, the first two Balls that I went to were so much fun. Nobody here was really into it. The ceremony was short and the celebration was even shorter. We got there at 5:30 pm and left by 9:30. Such a major disappointment. The only thing this Ball did was make me miss the previous ones that I attended with my boyfriend. He didn't wear his dress blues (he just got out and didn't have to) so the spirit of it wasn't really there anyway. We didn't take any pictures because it was just a big lame disaster. I think the entertainment that I got out of it were some of the girls' dresses. They were RIDICULOUS. One would think that for a very formal event, girls would at least tuck their ta ta's away for just a few hours (the woman I was sitting next too, her tits kept falling out of her dress because it was cut so low, and she was very... well endowed.. it was very awkward especially when she kept touching her date's genitals not even a foot away from me!!!) Some other girls were wearing such slutty dresses that were two sizes too small and probably two inches above their lady parts. They danced awful and one girl, wasn't even wearing underwear. I think by this point we decided that we weren't going to stay (by the time we did leave, there were probably four people there anyway). All I can say is, I did a fantastic job on my makeup and hair, since the previous Marine Ball's that I've gone to, I've always had it done professionally.

Now that November starts tomorrow, I can start new, right? I hope I can get down to at least 115 by Thanksgiving. I keep you all updated. I'll write again tomorrow sometime.

Ciao!

Where is the cold weather?

Today was a good day because I lost another pound. 123.0. At this rate, I'll be at my goal weight of 100 pounds in no time. I also decided that because I hate jogging in public I am going to do aerobics for 30-45 minutes a day and/or jump rope. It's definitely intense and I get a great workout from it. Today I burned about 187 cals while only eating 320. My caloric is a little higher today, but that's okay I guess; as long as I can keep it under 400 calories.

So I finished my letter to my school for my FAFSA, as well as getting the other three letters turned in. It really is a relief to have it all done, yet stressful because I have to wait some more. I hope I hear from them soon.

I talked to my grandpa today. He didn't even know who I was when he answered the phone. He claimed that my voice was off and didn't recognize me. Yeah, I've been having an itchy throat, but nothing that would change my voice. I'm really starting to worry over him because of his Alzheimer's. Hopefully, I can make out to see him in the next few weeks. It just sucks because every time I tell my boyfriend that I will be going to California to see my grandfather, my boyfriend keeps telling me to put it off and he'll put in for leave from work. The thing is, he's been saying that since May. I promised grandpa that even if my boyfriend can't make it, I'm still coming out to see him. He's my grandfather and I have been putting him off for a year now. I also want to meet my new little nephew. My sister's husband is stationed out in California and they will be moving to Oklahoma in 7 months. I didn't go to see him after he was born in March and I feel like shit for that.  I'd really hate myself if I didn't make it out there for the holidays. I'm going to have to tell my boyfriend that there is no negotiating. He gets to see his family all the time and I haven't seen mine for a year. I hope he puts the effort into understanding.

Anyway, I hope you all have great night, or day wherever you're from. I'll write soon. ttyl!