So, it's been awhile. WARNING: May be triggering to some!

I would like to apologize to my followers and fellow readers about my absence. I have been going through peaks and valleys and have been struggling with finding inner peace. Sadly, I have not found it. I have been going through stages of contemplating suicide to put myself out of my misery. I hate that I have become this way. Today, as I was writing in my journal, I came up with a blank. I couldn't figure out what to write, or what I should write for that matter. Then this thought came to my mind; "Write what you're feeling this instant. It doesn't have to be a paragraph." Such ugly words came out. The first word that came to my mind about my feelings was HURT. The hurt inside is so raw and strong and it's been inside me for so many years. I described it as an infection that never goes away and it just seeps out... yet it seeps on to my soul. My next word was ANGER. Anger for who I have become. Anger for all the abuse I sustained as a child, physical, mental, sexual. Anger for my mother that let such an evil man hurt her babies. JEALOUSY. Now this one, even for me seems selfish and childish, yet I can not shake it. I wrote, "My existence is so feeble that if I were to die tomorrow no one would truly notice, nor would they care-- I'm jealous I do not have a family, and a career" (I'm almost 24 years old, and I have no job, I did terrible this Spring semester and I'm going absolutely no where with my life). HATRED. I have such strong hatred inside of me. Hatred for the fucked up family that I was born into (I do not have any ties with them, since they are very bad people). CONTROL for my weight; my appearance. I have this thought that if I could become 100 pounds I know that I would be that much closer to treatment- and being perfect. I feel if I loose more and more, people (mainly my boyfriend who is always gone due to his career) will see that I'm not okay. That I'm broken inside. I want to be saved, I want to feel that I can get better and get over.... this... thing. Yet, I know that it will be impossible for someone like me. My next word, SUICIDE. As stated above, everyday I get closer and closer to just stepping off the edge. I think about it; I dream about it. I almost romanticize suicide so much that it may make a normal person sick. Sometimes I feel that if I end it, I will finally be out of my misery, my hurt, my hell that I'm in and I can finally just fly away. I think about my boyfriend and what would happen to him if I died. The only thing that I realize, that he would make it. He would be okay. He's got everything. A career, a big house, a nice car, a loving family. Me, I'm a nobody.

To my readers, I do not think that I will kill myself, these are just my feelings. I know I need help. I just don't feel anyone would take me seriously in the mental health field, since I'm not below weight or anything like that. Please, be aware that I know to kill myself would be totally fucked up. And I promise that if it got to that point, I will call someone first.