So...

Well, happy Halloween everyone. I really screwed myself over today. I can't tell you how much candy I consumed nor the calories. I lost count at breakfast today. I haven't weighed myself since Friday, and I'm so scared to. I did 45 minutes of cardio and yet I still feel like a fat disgusting pig.

My exciting weekend turned out to be not that exciting at all. I think I spent more time doing my hair and makeup then the amount of time we were actually at the Ball. I stayed away from the alcohol and didn't eat all the much. When the cake was passed around I took enough bites to make it look like I was enjoying and eating it. What bothers me is, the first two Balls that I went to were so much fun. Nobody here was really into it. The ceremony was short and the celebration was even shorter. We got there at 5:30 pm and left by 9:30. Such a major disappointment. The only thing this Ball did was make me miss the previous ones that I attended with my boyfriend. He didn't wear his dress blues (he just got out and didn't have to) so the spirit of it wasn't really there anyway. We didn't take any pictures because it was just a big lame disaster. I think the entertainment that I got out of it were some of the girls' dresses. They were RIDICULOUS. One would think that for a very formal event, girls would at least tuck their ta ta's away for just a few hours (the woman I was sitting next too, her tits kept falling out of her dress because it was cut so low, and she was very... well endowed.. it was very awkward especially when she kept touching her date's genitals not even a foot away from me!!!) Some other girls were wearing such slutty dresses that were two sizes too small and probably two inches above their lady parts. They danced awful and one girl, wasn't even wearing underwear. I think by this point we decided that we weren't going to stay (by the time we did leave, there were probably four people there anyway). All I can say is, I did a fantastic job on my makeup and hair, since the previous Marine Ball's that I've gone to, I've always had it done professionally.

Now that November starts tomorrow, I can start new, right? I hope I can get down to at least 115 by Thanksgiving. I keep you all updated. I'll write again tomorrow sometime.

Ciao!

Where is the cold weather?

Today was a good day because I lost another pound. 123.0. At this rate, I'll be at my goal weight of 100 pounds in no time. I also decided that because I hate jogging in public I am going to do aerobics for 30-45 minutes a day and/or jump rope. It's definitely intense and I get a great workout from it. Today I burned about 187 cals while only eating 320. My caloric is a little higher today, but that's okay I guess; as long as I can keep it under 400 calories.

So I finished my letter to my school for my FAFSA, as well as getting the other three letters turned in. It really is a relief to have it all done, yet stressful because I have to wait some more. I hope I hear from them soon.

I talked to my grandpa today. He didn't even know who I was when he answered the phone. He claimed that my voice was off and didn't recognize me. Yeah, I've been having an itchy throat, but nothing that would change my voice. I'm really starting to worry over him because of his Alzheimer's. Hopefully, I can make out to see him in the next few weeks. It just sucks because every time I tell my boyfriend that I will be going to California to see my grandfather, my boyfriend keeps telling me to put it off and he'll put in for leave from work. The thing is, he's been saying that since May. I promised grandpa that even if my boyfriend can't make it, I'm still coming out to see him. He's my grandfather and I have been putting him off for a year now. I also want to meet my new little nephew. My sister's husband is stationed out in California and they will be moving to Oklahoma in 7 months. I didn't go to see him after he was born in March and I feel like shit for that.  I'd really hate myself if I didn't make it out there for the holidays. I'm going to have to tell my boyfriend that there is no negotiating. He gets to see his family all the time and I haven't seen mine for a year. I hope he puts the effort into understanding.

Anyway, I hope you all have great night, or day wherever you're from. I'll write soon. ttyl!

Today is almost over....almost.

So today I ate 210 calories. I was worried that the tuna I had at 2pm was really going to mess things up, but after tallying it all, I feel relieved. I dropped a pound, being 124 is still gross to me (since just three weeks ago I was 120), but it's better than being stuck on the same damn number for days and days. I have found that I love, love, love rice cakes. 0 fat and 30 calories is suburb! I've heard of people eating rice cakes, but I've never had them before until recently and they taste good.

So I've been having a very itchy throat, somewhat stuffy nose, and an earache. I've noticed the itchy throat a few days ago, but now my ear is bothering me. I'm hoping it's not turning into a sinus infection due to my allergies. I really don't want to be sick over this weekend; being sick = blotchy skin and watery eyes, therefore, ruining my makeup and any pictures that may be taken.

Anyway, that's all I have for tonight. I'm going to go for a jog and then call it a night. I'll see ya tomorrow.

Well.. Another night.

I'm in a sour mood tonight. I'm having problems from my school about my financial aide. They want proof, again, that my mother is deceased, my stepfather left me and my siblings out to dry after she passed (he was a POS anyway, I really didn't miss him) and proof that I was a ward of the court. I understand why they need it, but I couldn't help but cry my eyes out because of this. It's like it opens up old wounds all over again. I told them that I didn't have any papers from the court stating such, so they said I need three people to write them a letter saying that I have been supporting myself all this time, and a detailed letter from me about everything (i.e. my mother died and I don't have a father since I'm illegitimate, and my step dad abandoned me). The fucked up part is that I don't want to deal with it. How am I going to pay for school?

My boyfriend offered that he would pay, but I already feel like a loser enough as it is, I really don't want, yet again, another hand out. He works so hard already and yeah, he makes great money and wants to help me, but I feel it strips me of my independence. So, here I am, thinking about all the things I'm going to put in my letter. That part of my life is like a wound that hasn't healed, it's oozing and inflamed, so I use my ED as a way of coping. I know I'll have to face those demons, (along with many other's) but I don't want to.

Another reason for my awful feelings tonight is that I haven't lost anything in over a week. I just want to loose weight. It's really getting to me lately because it just makes me feel like that is another thing that I am failing at. This weekend is the Marine Ball (it's really weird that it's so early this year) and I am not really looking forward to it. There will be alcohol everywhere. I have come to the realization that I am an alcoholic. It scares the shit out of me. I am so afraid that I will take a drink, and loose control. I don't have a sponsor, and my boyfriend doesn't know that I quit. I think he suspects that I have had major problems with alcohol, and I'm afraid to tell him. When I drink bad things happen. I'll become very depressed and do things that I regret immeasurably. I'm asking God for help and courage for this coming Saturday.

So that's all that I have tonight. I'll write again later.

First blog: a beginning of ramblings

So as my first blog, I shall introduce you to me. I would also like to state that I am going to keep my blog painfully honest, no matter what. So where shall I begin? Ahhh, yes of course, my name. I've already started my blog so I can't begin in a candid manner, "Hello my name is..." it's a little late for that. The name is Nancy (if you haven't already figured that out). I chose my display name as 'chaotic_beauty" because I can be, at times, chaotic, and is told all the time of how beautiful I am, (whether I choose to believe that is another matter). But this blog isn't going to explain and shine my insecurities into the light, rather this is an introductory blog.

So, I shall start saying that I like to drink strong black coffee in the morning; I like to go on runs; I like to dance even if I'm horribly bad at it; I love exercising in any way possible; I've probably read more books than a small library in my short-lived life (I am the ripe age of 23) and I keep reading, as is my passion for learning; I can be upbeat. I do get moody at times, and lock myself away from the world until I feel I am ready to leave my hole of self pity and take on the world. This they call 'depressive episodes' rah, rah, rah. The way I see it, I've done it my whole life, it's who I am. It's not that I'm crazy, I'm just not like everyone else. I'm me. Some people dislike me (probably more people than I really realize), some people really like me (probably more than I realize). Making a statement after that last one, saying something along the lines, "and I really don't care" is so posse' and really isn't the truth. At least for me anyway. Making people happy and wanting them to like me is in my genetic make up, so when I hear that someone doesn't like me, or people make snide and hurtful comments I go inward and will take it very personally; however, when I hear that someone likes me, or rather, I know they like me, I am so happy and will do anything to keep them liking me.

At times I can be withdrawn from everything. Most people will think it's because I do not like them. This is not true. I am person that lives in the past. Further, I relive certain events that happened in my life that I really shouldn't be reliving, like a tired song on a radio that has been replayed over and over again.

I love animals; I love fishing, though I haven't done it since HS; I like helping people. Like I said, I'm not crazy.

I guess this is as far as I go for an introduction. As I write more blogs, you'll learn a few more things about me. I can not explain every little detail about myself in just one simple blog. I'm sure you'll find my life entertaining :)