Just another Manic Monday

I would like to say that I am in the most fowl mood today. Having a cold and not being able to walk right can drive one mad. I have no clue how much I weigh, and I can honestly say, I don't care either. Is that normal? Since joining the gym, I have found this new confidence that I didn't know I had. Lifting weights and doing cardio on elypticals and bicycle machines has really helped me. Truly, I hope joining the gym can help me overcome this self-induced hell I've put myself in. Something that I have noticed is that I am eating more; not in large quantities but small portions and I don't feel like shit afterwards. I have been drinking whey protein shakes to help with my muscle restoration. However long these feelings of confidence and happiness last, I can honestly say that I will cherish each and every moment. My ED may come back with full force as it always done in the past, but I'm happy right now.

A new day

And today is going to be sucky. Why? 1) I broke my toe and it hurts like hell. 2) I got a cold on top of it. Total lamesauce if you ask me.

I will be going back to California this week on Wednesday. My sister and my nephew are moving to Oklahoma while her husband stays in the barracks until he gets out in July. Dumb plan if you ask me. I'm going back to California with a hopeful heart that me and my grandfather can talk some sense into her. She doesn't need to move to Oklahoma 7 months before her husband gets out of the Navy; she can always stay with grandpa. The reason why they decided to come up with this grand plan is because they have a dog that is against the rules to have in their housing. Why they don't give the dog to some friends or get rid of it, is beyond me. My sister is going to go to Oklahoma with her baby, living with her in laws, people of whom she doesn't know from Adam, really. Is it just me or do you see a disaster waiting to happen? Maybe I'm just being a little pessimistic, but she is my twin and I just want her to be happy. 

So sorry

I haven't posted in a while and for that I apologize. I have been out of sorts lately, and I haven't had the time to write. So much has happened since I last wrote. My life took a turn and I think I may have lost a little bit more of myself.

On Thanksgiving I got word that my grandfather had a heart attack and was not doing well. I had no idea what was going on because I could not get a hold of anyone. What did I do? I packed my shit and took that 12 hour drive to California. Goodness, if only my story got better from here. I ended up getting lost way out in Compton L.A. and met the most nicest guy that was probably in a gang. He helped me out so much and even gave me a free Redbull (he worked for Walgreens). After he gave me directions, I finally stopped for the night by Six Flaggs in Valencia. Things were good. I got to my sister's house, and OMG her husband is a fucking prick. I felt that I was not welcomed by him at all. My sister was in the Navy, got pregnant by him, got out, and now is married to this douche bag. He doesn't want to stay in the Navy once his contract is up in July, but wants to go back home to Oklahoma where he will have no further direction for his or his family's life. The most awkward thing about being at my sister's house was being in the same room, and almost same fight with them. I don't mean a little yelling, I mean screaming at each other. Awkward.

Meanwhile, on the way out to California, my car was making a horrible noise and both mirrors got broken. I figured that once I got to my grandfather's house I can just take it in to the mechanic. Ha! If only it was that easy. My car ended up staying in the shop for 6 days! I got the thing that was making that awful sound fixed, but ended up having to take my car back before the mirrors arrived. Are my mirrors fixed, you ask? No. It's currently in my garage with two fucked up mirrors and tape around the driver's side mirror just to hold it up. Yeah. Fml.

During those six days that I was stranded. I found that my grandfather was doing well. He didn't have a massive heart attack that my sister portrayed, but was retaining too much fluid and caused his defibrillator to go off; therefore, landing him in the hospital for a few days. That week I also learned that I lost a friend. I am not over it, nor will I go into detail about it. It has me questioning my own destiny and I keep asking myself, "What if"?

Now comes the best part of my trip. I got a tattoo! I met with a dear friend in Huntington Beach, and we both got tat's together. I can not wait to go back and have that much fun again.

Now as far as my weight. Somehow after eating all the takeout, regular sodas, and drinking, I did not gain any weight. I'm at 121. I joined the gym when I got back, so hopefully that will help with getting me to loose a little faster.

Kind of happy

So this morning, out of pure curiosity, I checked my weight. 121.2. HELL YES! It's been a long time since I've seen that number, I've been stuck on 125, or 123, for goodness knows how long. I feel like I'm finally able to reach my goal weight of 120 lbs. by Friday, and then I can (finally) reset it for 115.

Also, in other news, I got a letter in the mail saying that I had $2,000.00 in an old account from my last job. I completely forgot about it, and it came at the right time. My last job had an option for what's called a 'Penny Saver' and had them deduct a certain amount of money from my paycheck every month. I can either pull the money out of the account, or keep it and let it grow. Honestly, I wish I could let it be, but I am really hurting for money right now. College is getting really pricey, and I'm still having problems with my school's financial aide (long story). Looking for employment is destroying any hope of getting hired anywhere. Though I'm still looking, it seems like no one is hiring right now, even in the field in which I went, and still going, to school for.

Anyway, that's all I have for right now. I hope the next time I write, I'll be below my goal weight of 120 :)

Today is a little better

So I haven't checked my weight for a week, and I finally had the courage to do so today; my weight is 122.4. It's utterly gross, but it's better than feeling like I haven't lost any weight at all. I have been mostly eating rice cakes and sugar free jello while drinking green tea. Jogging 2 miles a day has helped too I'm sure. I just really need to get to my next goal weight of 120. I've only been trying to do so for the past 2 months :/ Epic Fail.

God!

Have you ever felt like such a fraud? Like, everything you do and say may or may not be the whole truth? I feel that way now. I don't really want to go into details about it, because it's too personal. I feel like everything around me is going to go away. I've never had anyone that hasn't left me at some point, so be them friends or family. A stable home was never something that I've had. I always fuck everything up. Always. My eating disorder as well as my mania plays a big role in that, I'm sure. I just want to be normal. I want to be happy. I want to be the confident person that doesn't care about what people think about them, or their weight bases their validity in the world. I want to be able to trust not only people, but myself. I want to love myself. My destructive behavior doesn't allow for any of those things, and I'm afraid that if I did get well I wouldn't have anything to cling to anymore. For example, when things go wrong, or when people are mad at me, or I fuck up somehow, I have my ED to go into. I have PrettyThin to go on and not feel alone with my feelings and struggles. My boyfriend doesn't understand the depth of my pain or my struggles. Not because he doesn't care, but because I don't want him to know. He doesn't deserve someone so fucked up in the head like I am. Pretending to always being happy is so exhausting. I want to be able to scream in front of him and not be afraid that he'll turn me down and tell me I'm being a baby. Don't me wrong, I do tell him how I feel, but not the whole truth. Fear of him rejecting, and putting my feelings to wayside is so strong that I can't let him or anyone in.

I hate myself so much sometimes.

Will the binging please stop?!

I haven't written in awhile because I have been very edgy lately. I've been binging, binging, binging. As of now, I don't know my current weight, but last I checked I was 125 and that was the day my period began, last Wednesday. The thing I hate most about my 'friend' is that it makes me crave all kinds of food. I can't seem to stop myself when I am binging. Thank God it's gone for now. Hopefully I can get back on track.

In other news, Thanksgiving is coming up. Apparently we're going to go to my boyfriends parents house. If I don't eat what they think is 'normal' (gobs and gobs of fucking food) his mother will make comments. They're like vultures constantly watching what I eat and how much I eat. I'm hoping against hope, that we somehow don't end up going. Besides, they live like 4 hours away, and they want us to drive out there only to turn around and drive back that day since he has to work. Fuck. That.